I imagine that Donald Trump is struggling to find the appropriate words to thank America for placing his apprenticeship at the helm and electing him into office. Perhaps this letter will help him to express his gratitude.
To My Fellow Americans,
It is with feigned humility that I thank you for this incredible honor to serve as your next president of the formerly United States. I owe an incredible debt of gratitude to so many, so so many, that it is truly hard to know where to begin to say thank you.
But let me begin with a nod to America’s media networks for creating and fanning an environment in which rabid sensationalism has completely obscured any interest in perspective, measured discussion or thoughtful disagreement. Thank you for valuing spectacle and speculation over substance, veracity, and integrity. God bless The Housewives of New Jersey and all of reality TV for fomenting an obsession with celebrity, mindless animosity and conflict, and for normalizing my candidacy.
How can I properly say thank you to the news organizations and their pundits and personalities that amplified my outrageous antics while so graciously muting even a whisper of accountability or insistence on the facts. You saved me millions in paid advertising, and together we elevated the antiquated notion of news to the riveting ratings-generator of reality TV.
And a quick shout out to so many celebrity news anchors and their mildly penetrating interviews that allowed me to slide on the minor distractions of foreign policy, my tax returns, and any inconsistencies between my words and actual facts. After I name my cabinet, I will be putting together a softball team, and you have all earned your place as all-stars.
Next I have to say thank you to my Russian PR firm and WikiLeaks. Your relentless trickle of unsubstantiated documents was a Chinese water torture to crooked Hillary’s campaign. Tell Vladimir I look forward to working with him.
And then, of course, I owe an unfathomable debt of gratitude to James Comey. When things were looking bleakest, he took it upon himself to courageously disregard law and the long established FBI policy of not interfering with or affecting the result of an election. I am moved by the courage and duplicity it took to fan the flames of rumor without even the remotest trace of substance. Down the Hatch, my friend.
But to two groups I am most indebted. First, to many of the Bernie faithful, who despite his insistence and despite their alleged allegiance to the self-proclaimed revolutionary, stoically turned a deaf ear to his directives and opted not to vote for Hillary. I am dumbfounded but giddy, and applaud their protest votes for Johnson. You are what you vote for.
But overshadowing them, Comey, team Russia, and our news networks, are the true lifeblood of my campaign. And no, I am not tipping my hood to those racists, fellow misogynists, or the undereducated that made up a large part of my constituency. There are roughly 231,556,622 registered voters out there. My heart swells with appreciation to the approximately 108,905,386 who didn’t vote. A wink to the Supreme Court’s ruling against the Voting Rights Act in 2013. But God Bless You! By malaise, indifference, disdain, or protest you took yourselves out of the game. You forfeited. You willingly abdicated your say in the Supreme Court, equal rights, the economy, foreign policy, climate change, woman’s rights, gun control, basic decency and civility, in essence – everything. By so graciously rendering yourself insignificant, which is what you did, I have been hired by just a sliver over 25% of eligible voters, fewer in number than those that voted for Hillary. I am sure you are as proud of yourselves and the Electoral College as I am of you.
Thank you. God Bless America. Looking forward to putting the bully back into the bully pulpit,
Your President Elect