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How Donald Trump Can Thank America

November 20, 2016

I imagine that Donald Trump is struggling to find the appropriate words to thank America for placing his apprenticeship at the helm and electing him into office.  Perhaps this letter will help him to express his gratitude.

To My Fellow Americans,

It is with feigned humility that I thank you for this incredible honor to serve as your next president of the formerly United States. I owe an incredible debt of gratitude to so many, so so many, that it is truly hard to know where to begin to say thank you.

But let me begin with a nod to America’s media networks for creating and fanning an environment in which rabid sensationalism has completely obscured any interest in perspective, measured discussion or thoughtful disagreement.  Thank you for valuing spectacle and speculation over substance, veracity, and integrity. God bless The Housewives of New Jersey and all of reality TV for fomenting an obsession with celebrity, mindless animosity and conflict, and for normalizing my candidacy.

How can I properly say thank you to the news organizations and their pundits and personalities that amplified my outrageous antics while so graciously muting even a whisper of accountability or insistence on the facts. You saved me millions in paid advertising, and together we elevated the antiquated notion of news to the riveting ratings-generator of reality TV.

And a quick shout out to so many celebrity news anchors and their mildly penetrating interviews that allowed me to slide on the minor distractions of foreign policy, my tax returns, and any inconsistencies between my words and actual facts.  After I name my cabinet, I will be putting together a softball team, and you have all earned your place as all-stars.

Next I have to say thank you to my Russian PR firm and WikiLeaks. Your relentless trickle of unsubstantiated documents was a Chinese water torture to crooked Hillary’s campaign. Tell Vladimir I look forward to working with him.

And then, of course, I owe an unfathomable debt of gratitude to James Comey. When things were looking bleakest, he took it upon himself to courageously disregard law and the long established FBI policy of not interfering with or affecting the result of an election. I am moved by the courage and duplicity it took to fan the flames of rumor without even the remotest trace of substance. Down the Hatch, my friend.

But to two groups I am most indebted. First, to many of the Bernie faithful, who despite his insistence and despite their alleged allegiance to the self-proclaimed revolutionary, stoically turned a deaf ear to his directives and opted not to vote for Hillary. I am dumbfounded but giddy, and applaud their protest votes for Johnson.  You are what you vote for.

But overshadowing them, Comey, team Russia, and our news networks, are the true lifeblood of my campaign. And no, I am not tipping my hood to those racists, fellow misogynists, or the undereducated that made up a large part of my constituency. There are roughly 231,556,622 registered voters out there. My heart swells with appreciation to the approximately 108,905,386 who didn’t vote. A wink to the Supreme Court’s ruling against the Voting Rights Act in 2013. But God Bless You! By malaise, indifference, disdain, or protest you took yourselves out of the game. You forfeited. You willingly abdicated your say in the Supreme Court, equal rights, the economy, foreign policy, climate change, woman’s rights, gun control, basic decency and civility, in essence – everything. By so graciously rendering yourself insignificant, which is what you did, I have been hired by just a sliver over 25% of eligible voters, fewer in number than those that voted for Hillary. I am sure you are as proud of yourselves and the Electoral College as I am of you.

Thank you.  God Bless America. Looking forward to putting the bully back into the bully pulpit,

Your President Elect

The Art of Tri

November 13, 2016

On Sunday, September 25, 2016, our family took a 4:30 AM trek from Chestnut Ridge to Rye Beach in NY where my 16-year-old son Elijah, 18-year-old daughter Dylan and I participated in the Zoot Westchester Olympic Triathlon. Here are a few reflections on the day.

The Art of Tri

The essence of my Tri strategy builds on the core premise that the road to victory or at least a “personal best,” is built squarely on the back of experience. Participate in enough triathlons, and you will eventually swim, ride, and run to your rightful place at the podium. The math, even for me, is simple. Clock a 2hr 37min Olympic tri at age 53, and by the time you reach 75, you will have shaved a good 30 minutes off that personal best.

As sound and obvious as the theory reads on paper, a few minor inconsistencies in the data suggest I may have failed to account for some unforeseen variables.  Case in point, beginning with triathlon #3 and extending to and through the next 4, my times have not, in the strictest sense of the word, improved. Not to put too fine a point on it, and if you can believe the official time keepers, there is a fairly strong argument to suggest I’ve gotten progressively slower.

Sunday marked my 7th Westchester Triathlon, my 8th Olympic since I started dabbling in the sport in 2009, and most rewarding, the third time I have raced with my son and daughter.  I stood at the starting line at Rye Beach pumped, poised, pacing, and bristling with all the confidence, exuberance,  and anticipation that an 8th  season can instill. Wide eyed, nostrils flaring, champing at the bit, a thoroughbred in the gates (hold references to Mr. Ed please), I was on the cusp of obliterating any nagging shadows of doubt that threatened to undermine the absolute truth that is the invincibility of experience.

58-year-old rocket man on the beach. Buckle up.  Theory in practice.  Don’t blink.


Elijah, Dylan and Ed 6:30 AM, ready for the start

As I look back on the race, I can trace the first variable to the start, which is surprising given how perfectly the morning and the stage seemed to have been set. Outside of starting a couple of hours later, a nice cappuccino and perhaps an additional 10 degrees, conditions could not have been better. It was a brisk 52, stunningly clear and nearly windless. I had my kids at my side, my wife Reggie rooting us on from the boardwalk, and Uptown Funk, Moves Like Jagger, and a hit parade of upbeat grooves amping us up as we counted down to the start. As the sun inched up over Montauk across the Sound, majestically poised to blind every swimmer sighting to the outer buoy, they piped in Jennifer Hudson’s rendition of the national anthem, and then the sea of close to 1000 athletes cheered, and the first herd of colored caps lined up in the starting gate.

Gentlemen, ladies, and gender ambivalent, start your engines.

Read more…

In the Heat of the Moment

October 7, 2016

In hindsight, it’s painfully clear that the men’s sauna at the local gym is not the place to voice an opinion, especially one that might get you into a heated altercation, not that there can be any other type of altercation in the men’s sauna. There are several key arguments that support this premise.  For one thing, the men in the sauna tend to be in great shape, strong, aggressive, and not always members of the local MENSA chapter. For another, the physical space of the sauna is quite restrictive, with a single exit and therefore no viable option for an expedient retreat. And finally, and perhaps not the least significant, everyone is naked.

Naked arguments rarely end well.

I had no intention of firing up a conversation or voicing an opinion of any kind when I walked into the sauna the other day, though I did immediately notice the barely over 5 foot tall, very square and swarthy guy talking up a storm to the other three listeners in the room. His name was Nicky, which I knew because of the huge gold chain hanging around his neck with the gold cursive word “NICKY” strung on it. I assume he wore it so that in the event he misplaced his head, someone would know where to return it. His audience sat on the second and third benches above him. They wore towels and were listening while Nicky held court.

Nicky stood with his right foot on the ground and his left leg resting high up on the first bench. He leaned his left shoulder against the wall and wore no towel. In sign language, this pose translates universally to the sentence, “can everyone see my dick?” He was shaving as he spoke, gesturing occasionally in between strokes of the razor, and touching himself fairly frequently to make sure everyone was keeping their eyes on the ball.

It wasn’t his exhibitionist pose that prompted me to speak, and there was nothing about his middling shortcomings that merited a comment outside of a shrug or a yawn. I wasn’t even listening to whatever drivel he was spewing to the other guys on the bench. But a few sentences in, and after shaving half of the right side of his face, he leaned forward and banged his razor on the seat, leaving a frothing little  mound of shaving cream and stubble where one of us was bound to sit. Little rivulets of whiskers and Gillett shaving gel melted and slipped off the edge of the bench and into the seams of the wood.

And without really intending it, the word “HEY!” slipped out of my mouth.

Nicky stopped talking, and with palms out about groin level, as if I had somehow insulted his manhood, said, “What!?”

The obvious response at that point, would have been to reply “nothing.” But what came out instead were several rapid sentences that went into a little too much detail about how he had no business distributing his stubble all over the bench where people sit.

At that point, Nicky and his dangling trio took several steps to where I was perched on the lower bench. He stopped about a foot away from me and propped his left leg back up on the bench so he, his balls and I could settle this head to head. Adding disgusting to awkward, he was sweating like a pig, and the shaving cream remaining on the ¾’s of his face that he hadn’t yet shaved had formed little beads and began dripping off his face as he leaned forward, landing dangerously close to my right thigh. Then he read me the riot act about how it was none of my fucking business what he did and, furthermore, was my “sweaty ass on the bench any better than the shit coming off of his razor.”

I did have the sense not to respond to what I assumed to be a rhetorical question, at which point he – he of “look at my dick” fame – settled back to his corner pose calling me a “fucking queer.”

The seminal point in our discourse, however, came several moments later. He was blathering on about something, accenting his oratory every so often by glaring at me while he banged his razor clean on the wooden slats.  I had tuned him out and had no intention of reengaging, when I caught a phrase about  “some bitch” followed by the statement to the  men on the bench of, “…I’m divorced, you know.”

Before I could think, the words “imagine that!” just kind of slipped out, far more loudly than I had intended. The silence that followed was broken by someone else entering the sauna, and I took advantage of the moment to slip out quietly and uninjured before too many thoughts could coalesce in Nicky’s head.

I saw him again several days later in the parking lot. He drove a bright red convertible Mercedes. He had the top down, and took the short route out of the lot, leaving the wrong way on a one way, flipping off the incoming right of way driver on his way out.

Though I’m sure it’s not in the context that Nicky had intended, when the world sees him, the consensus is unanimous. What a dick.



Of Mice and Men

July 22, 2016

Gandhi, Dr. King, Lincoln, Bhutto, Mandela, Malala. These names blaze as beacons of courage, enlightenment, hope, social justice, integrity and resolve. Each exposed and confronted injustice at great personal expense, never skulking in the shadows, never cowering from threats, never mistaking violence for courage and always recognizing hatred for the gross extension of ignorance that it is.

I think of these names, not in the face of the mockery of leadership that is potentially Trump or Clinton, but as a staggering counterpoint to the cowards behind Charlie Hebdo, the attacks in Lebanon, Paris, Mali, a host of others, and now Munich and Nice. I think of these names to magnify the difference between true emissaries of lasting change and awareness, and ignorant brutal thugs. I think of them to underscore the expansive chasm that exists between courage and cowardice, between a true cause and mindless chaos.

We call them terrorists, which adds a perverse sense of legitimacy to their actions. We should stop that. We need to label them for what they are – cowards.

We sensationalize their actions in 24 x 7 news cycles, which also adds a perverse sense of legitimacy to their actions. We should stop that too.

Yes, report their acts of ignorance. Expose the facts. But lose the mega-font “TERROR IN….” backdrop and the frenetic 24×7 blather. Then diffuse their twisted fundamentalist rhetoric by accentuating the truth that their only voice or “cause” is, once again, mindless and spineless brutality against unarmed and unsuspecting, women, men and children – of all colors and creeds.

Our world is blessed with prolific acts of courage, sacrifice, support, community, love, inclusion and commitment. Let’s laud the courageous. Let’s highlight and nurture acts of acceptance, creativity, kindness and unity.

Let’s fan the flames of hope rather than drive up the ratings and radicals that feast on fear.


November 29, 2015


Loosely translated, this is a Spanish word meaning “sucker.” A fashionably dressed man waves a big red cape, pissing off a 1200 pound bull at the other end of the arena. To absolutely no one’s surprise, the bull charges. That’s the plan. And when it does and subsequently blows by the matador and through the red cape into nothing but daylight, everyone shouts “ole.” The bull falls for it every time, and at the subsequent bar-b-q, it’s the matador who is smiling in between bites of sirloin.

Lebanon. Paris. Mali. Like almost everyone in the last couple of weeks, I’ve been a reluctant junkie for the news, caught up in the 24 x 7 multiscreen frenzy of tracking every evolving second. I power-clicked from remote to iPad to smartphone, lured by the false hope that with enough information, my rage, fear, sorrow and disbelief would somehow dissipate. That tactic ultimately proved more flawed than treating an insomniac with crystal meth.

Accentuate the horror, brand every segment some derivative of TERROR IN PARIS, parade pundits, fuel fears, fan the flames of that 24 x 7 news cycle. Mainstream media is as predictable in its coverage of the carnage as the atrocities were horrific. And the attackers revel in it. The rising tide of sensationalism lifts all lunatics. We’ve awarded them celebrity status and a perverse sense of legitimacy. They couldn’t produce and place more effective propaganda if they tried, and they reap the rewards without spending a Syrian pound on advertising.

“Ole.” Read more…

Fools On The Hill

October 14, 2013

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It is truly hard to know what to say, beyond uttering something like “fools” when forming a thought about our representatives in the House, Senate, and White House, who are all, of course, fools. Aside from the interesting statistic that for the first time in history the aggregate IQ of the House and Senate equals the exact number of members in Congress, there isn’t a single element of the government shutdown that doesn’t have you pulling your hair out in frustration or hiding under the bed out of fear. With a government operating like this, who needs third party terrorist threats?

You could hear America groan as the news broke on the first of the month. A chorus of “fools” swelled from breakfast tables to commuter trains as we all dropped our heads into our hands and bemoaned this most recent political obscenity.

But as I eavesdropped on fellow riders on the ever luxurious bus commute into the Port Authority, I began to realize with a sort of chill, that this chorus of “fools” was anything but a chorus. Behind every “fool” there was a “they.” And “they” were definitely divided between an “us” and a “them.” As it turned out, I was witnessing the only true byproduct of our government these days – a rift fanned with uncertainty and fear and a nation divided by hyperbole.  Our parties (an ironic name when you think about it) have polarized us and themselves to such an extent that nothing can get done outside of pumping up the rhetoric to a level that drowns out even he remotest whimper of reason.  Black. White. No grey. Dare to take the middle ground, and you will be branded by both sides as an extremist.

At the risk of presenting a thought we can all violently agree on, I do not have a great political mind. Defining my political acumen as “good” might actually be a stretch.  And quite frankly, anyone can and practically everyone has expressed some version of what I led with – that our Representatives are fools. It’s easy, cathartic and safe. It accomplishes nothing.

And that’s when it hit me.  There is a distinct possibility that we are the fools.

I mean, how stupid can they be? Our representatives lavish in positions of great wealth and influence. Despite a government shutdown, which many/most of them must want, they are still being paid and are catered to by enormous loyal staffs that are not being paid. They have the best health care plans in the world. As a unit they get nothing done. They have substituted “role models” with “poll models.” And they all have us in a lather, blathering about the ineptitude of our government in general, while somehow buoying up their individual positions as blameless, the single voices of reason in a sea of fools.  Fund me, blog for me, tweet your support, rally your friends so we can protect us and beat back them, who unchecked will destroy the universe as we know it.

Well, as the two sides frenetically entrench themselves, cast blame and call for reinforcements, I’m suggesting all of us – regardless of our affiliations – put the vitriol on hold and take a bold and quiet step into the center. We firmly demand “QUIET” and calmly present our elected officials with a very simple amendment: Keep the government running. That’s why we hired you. If you fail to do that, each and every one of you loses his or her job. 535 pink slips. You will be fired, allowed to loiter on The Hill only until new elections are held (which none of them would be eligible for) within a six week time frame.

There is not an employer in the country who wouldn’t fire an employee (or employees) responsible for shutting down the business. Let’s hold our officials to that same incredibly low and common standard. We are, after all, their employers.

Only a fool would settle for anything less.

A Rusty Nail

March 31, 2013

In second grade during our usual morning service before classes, Father Moore announced, “Today is Good Friday!  Let us pray!” He was wearing the fancy set of robes and with arms widespread, he had veritably bellowed the words, implying that a “Hallelujah” or “Rejoice!” would be soon to follow.

It was my first year in parochial school, and  I seriously entertained the thought that we might well be in store for a day dedicated entirely to recess to help usher in all the Good wrapped up in that Friday. I think I may have muttered a slightly audible “AMEN,” because our teacher, Miss Wright, had turned and was eyeing me.

Then Father Moore paused, dropped his arms to his side, and in a hushed and somewhat rushed cadence that could easily have begun with the words, “This just in,” gave a very  unexpected, jarring, graphic and, for my 7-year-old tastes,  a horrific accounting of Jesus’ death. I had never heard the details, or at least had never really listened before.

Jesus was whipped and beaten, a “crown of thorns” jammed on his head. He was forced to carry a heavy cross through the streets.  People made fun of Him when he fell. Then, “they nailed his hands and feet to the cross.” When he spoke those words, Father Moore paused and looked slowly around the chapel. “Nailed” his hands and feet, for Christ sakes.

He was stabbed. He died a tortuous death, “hanging for hours in agony on the cross.”

And this was a good Friday. I couldn’t imagine what made up a bad one.

Miss Wright, in her amazingly insightful and compassionate way, leaned over, put her hand on my knee and asked if I was alright. I whispered the news to her that she had obviously missed, about Jesus’ last day (or third to last, depending upon your beliefs).

“They nailed his hands and feet!” I whispered to her somewhat urgently. Father Moore was mentioning two other people hanging on crosses when, with Miss Wright gently holding my left had, I raised my right one and squeaked out a question to the good Father.

“Why do we call it Good Friday?”

After he pinpointed me in the second grade pews, he answered.

“Because, Christ died for our sins.”

I can hear his answer to this day and still don’t have a clue what he was talking about.  I raised my hand again and rephrased the question in true second grade form.

“Why do we call it Good Friday?” I had emphasized “good” to put a finer point on my point.

I imagine he was tempted to repeat his first answer, but after a pause, he said, “Good Friday made Easter possible.”

Miss Wright gently intercepted my hand as it rose for the third time, and whispered to me that “Black Friday” would have been a better name.

Forty seven years later, I still think she had the best answer. And as I ponder Black Friday and Easter from the sidelines of Judaism, Jazz, and Vedic meditation, I find myself reciting an old Robert Service poem I memorized some 20 years ago. Aside from fond childhood memories of Easter Sundays, large rabbits, fancy hats, and happier stories from the pulpit, it’s all I really carry with me anymore of Easter and Black Friday.

But it carries it well, and it captures for me the truth of a day that had practically chased me into Miss Wright’s lap so many years ago.

A Rusty Nail   by Robert William Service

I ran a nail into my hand,
The wound was hard to heal;
So bitter was the pain to stand
I thought how it would feel,
To have spikes thrust through hands and feet,
Impaled by hammer beat.

Then hoisted on a cross of oak
Against the sullen sky,
With all about the jeering folk
Who joyed to see me die;
Die hardly in insensate heat,
With bleeding hands and feet.

Yet was it not that day of Fate,
Of cruelty insane,
Climaxing centuries of hate
That woke our souls to pain!
And are we not the living seed
Of those who did the deed!

Of course, with thankful heart I know
We are not fiends as then;
And in a thousand years or so
We may be gentle men.
But it has cost a poisoned hand,
And pain beyond a cry,
To make me strangely understand
A Cross against the sky.